


Crack Avengers: Finishing the Conflict That Has Gone On For A Long Time (Also known as Endgame)

by DJSpinmasterRoss



Series: The Crack Avengers [2]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Jokes, Other, Parody, Please Don't Kill Me, This Is STUPID
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-18
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-27 11:21:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 9,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30121992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DJSpinmasterRoss/pseuds/DJSpinmasterRoss
Summary: thanmy boy kill haLf EARF... All gone... ::(((((( so sad... so sad. anywyaso they fiNd STone Go back In tiMe BUT THANNYBOY KNOW BRING HILLARY CLINTONOH GO D OH GOT HEKDHDIAAKL?!!?TURN OUT BAD??? find out.What will happen in the second thrilling instalment of this beautiful totally not a joke series?
Series: The Crack Avengers [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2216874
Comments: 11
Kudos: 1





	1. Cast

CRACK AVENGERS:  
Finishing the Conflict That Went on for a Very Long Time  
(also known as Endgame)  
NO COPYRIGHT VERSION

Cast

Crack Bucky

Crack Peter

Crack Steve

Crack Loki

Crack Stephen

Crack Tony

Crack Black Widow (Natasha)

Crack Scott

Crack Clint

Crack T’Challa

Hillary Clinton

~

As Themselves. Yes, this implies that they’re real people.


	2. Scene One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW/ this chapter includes boyish attitude and depictions of graphic humping.

Crack Steve: So I didn't play golf today.

Crack Bucky: Steve, while we are sad about this unfortunate turn of events, we would love to hear why you didn't play golf, it would interest us so dearly if you were to inform us of this action that you have taken. (says sarcastically)

Crack Steve: Well you see, because of Thanny Boy-

Crack Bucky: I was being sarcastic.

( Everyone crouches down thinking they are going to be blown up but they didn't get blown up because there is no bomb)

Crack Bucky: That was a close one. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Crack Steve: (PTSD Kicks In) NOT THE SANDWICH, NOT THE SANDWICH, NOT THE SANDWICH…

Crack Tony: (Calming Crack Steve) It's okay, Steve. The sandwich is fine. You're okay Steve.

(Steve wakes up, sweaty)

Crack Steve: Who are you? I am from Ancient Greece. 

(He looks up to see an anime girl dancing about Sodie Pop on the TV. Sodie Pop is a name for a product with the tagline: THE YOUNGSTERS JUST WON’T GET IT. Don't remember this. It will not come up later.)  
(The camera pans to Crack Thor. He has changed since the death of he boother, Crack Loki. He now looks like the Arm & Hammer guy. See it’s funny because he uses a hammer.)

Crack Thor: From the power of OxiClean and the strength of Windex! I’m Billy Mays. I mean, the mighty Thor. 

Crack Scott: I am back from the void and am here to tell you, Bababooey (he points at Bucky’s urn, but bucky's not there because he's dead.) 

(The Crack Avengers realize Crack Scott is absolutely crazy and should not be listened to.) 

Crack Scott: I have been here for 3 whole hours! I’m also small unlike my bababooey- ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Crack Tony: No, you stupid idiot, it’s been 3 years. 

(The Crack Avengers pause for a moment. Three years? Have… they really been waiting for something to happen for… three years? ...God… The writers must be horribly lazy…)

Crack Steve: HOL UP RING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING

Crack Tony: Lol gay. 

(Nothing happens.) 

Crack Steve: ...I miss Bucky. 

Crack Scott: My mother calls me scoot on the daily. Bababooey

Crack Thor: Whoopity whoopity. Whoopity scoop. 

Crack Scott: Hey I’m no Marvel genius but aren’t you like evil in the first Avenger’s movie……….. Kinda awkward, Bababooey. 

Crack Thor: No, that’s my brother you stupid idot. My DEAD BROTJHEYRE JFDKJLSJFDS SHUYJIUOUSDF:H:SDJ LF

Ben Shapiro: ACTUALLY-- 

Crack Tony: SHut up ben shapiro

(Background music starts playing. It is the beginning of piano man. The piano part. Where he plays the piano. Just in case you don’t know that part…… he plays the piano. Tony holds up his thumb and starts smiling)

Thor: I miss my hammer. MY ARM AND HAMMER! NEW FROM ARM AND HAMMER NEW OXICLEAN CLEAN STRIPS©! 

Phil Swift: I’M HERE WITH FLEX HAMMER! THE FLEXIBLE HAMME-

Crack Thor: (violently kills phil swift) this is my show, fool. 

Phil Swift: (gurgling blood) you think you can kill me…… I will repair my wounds with FLEX TAPE. (phil swift dies) 

Crack Scott: Anyway… Bababooey

Crack Tony: SHUT UP I HAVE AN IDEA. IF HE SAID IT ONLY TOOK 3 HOURS WHEN IT WAS THREE YEARS, WHAT IF WE WENT BACK AND STOLE THE JOHNFINITY STONES BEFORE THANNY BOY AND HIS GIRLFRIEND HILLARY CLINTON. 

Crack Steve: Tony what in the (Language) (Language) (only marvel fans will get it) are you talking about. 

Random Mickey Mouse guy: YOU HAVE BEEN BANNED FROM THE MICKEY MOUSE CLUB FOR INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR……………………

Mickey Mouse: Nah pal there with me and my gang Daddy Disney (puts on very cool sunglasses and pulls out a glock)

Goofy: no………. Don't go to the clubhouse……… there is……. Horrors there that cannot be seen….

Crack Tony: (Shoots all three of them) Ok anyway. 

Crack Steve: I miss……. Buckster 

Bucky’s ghost: I miss you, too, America’s Cheeks. I miss you, too. 

Crack Scott: I have heard of these keepers called “All-Power-Jons” when they were alive 3 years ago... Bababooey 

Crack Hulk: Ayo bro you don’t gotta tell us a thing we know all about these men here's a picture of one...(shows a picture of nothing)

Crack Scott: no... it can’t be... JOHN CENA… bababooey

Crack Tony: ...I think it is. 

(There’s a machine building montage over some Macklemore song. You missed Macklemore.)

Crack Steve: Whew that took forever. 

Crack Tony: N.. no it didn’t. It was like 20 seconds. 

Crack Steve: Take it from someone who's been in the ice for 45 years; it’s cool to follow the rules! (holds up thumb as Ben Shapiro singing WAP plays)

Crack Tony: (sighs) Okay. Who’s going after John Cena? 

Crack Thor: I will. I know Wrestlemania better than anyone else. After all, that is my home. 

Crack Tony: ...Okay. Good luck. But I thought you said that your dad was Mr. Clean? 

Crack Thor: (sighs and says out loud) violently humps lady at walmart

Crack Tony: THOR! DOnT hUmp rAndOm lAdIes at WaLlmArt.

Crack Thor: If Black Panther made Jewish bread for my birthday party? Would it be called T'Challa's Valhalla gala challah.

Crack Tony: (chuckles)


	3. Scene Two

(The void where all the lost socks go.)

(The void where all the snapped people and lost socks go is just the chair circle in an alcoholics anonymous.)

Crack Black Panther: So... you got snapped. You screwed up. You know what you did was wrong. The question is, how are you gonna make things right? Maybe you were trying to be cool. But take it from a guy who's been frozen for 65 years... the only way to really be cool is to follow the rules.

Crack Peter: Wait, didn't steve roge....

Crack Black Panther: Shut up you puberty lookin…......

Crack Drax: Language

Crack Black Panther: Who said that, I can't see you. 

(Crack Gamora is also here because she wants to be)

Crack Gamora: Thanos pushed me. (she says with a tear in her eye) He said he loved me, and then pushed me away, he came back for another day. I said go, but he said he would stay. He held me in his arms and pushed me away.

(Crack Drax is crying but nobody comforts him because he is invisible.)

They can hear people talking in the distance. It's Crack Scott

Crack Scott: BoBaBaey….

Dixie D'amélio: Bayes

Crack Peter: Wow! Is that Dixie D’amelio from TokTok?!

Crack Stephen: Read a book.

Crack Peter: Boomer. 

Crack Stephen: My hands are crazy.

Crack Peter: Can you do magic tricks, Mr Doctor.

Crack Stephen: It is Mr, Strange, and I don't do parlor tricks. Although, I can tell you every way you die in every dimension, and every reality.

Crack Peter: Can you do a card trick for me?

Crack Stephen: I just said I-- 

Crack Peter, voice distorted: DO IT. 

Crack Stephen: (Hastily grabs cards) What kind of card trick, sir. 

Crack Peter: Make the card disappear.  
.   
(Crack Stephen puts a card in his mouth and swallows it.)

Crack Peter: Wow. You’re a real magician, Mr. Doctor.

Crack Stephen: I said my name was Mr. Stran---

Crack Peter: Shut up you meanie.

Crack Stephen: They called me Mr. Strangle in highschool, Petey Boy. I was the teacher. The Detention Teacher. 

(Crack Peter has a PTSD flashback. The words “what are you gonna do to make it right” and “next time those turkeys” can be heard echoing as it zooms into Peter’s distraught face.)

Crack Stephen: You okay, Peter? You’ve been staring at the wall for 30 minutes. 

Crack Peter: What? You messed up. You know what you did was wrong. 

Crack Stephen: Oh no. I’ve broken him. He can only speak with words from that specific quote.


	4. Carcass

(This signals the part where people have to go empty the pee out of their popcorn buckets.)  
(The Crack Avengers all come out on stage and sing a song.)  
They’re silly, they’re kooky, and sometimes Thor is spooky!   
They’re only dumb on weekends, make sure you tell your friends!  
NO THEY AREN’T THE JUSTICE LEAGUE.   
They’re the Crack Avengersss!   
(This is NOT the intermission.)


	5. Scene Three

Crack Scott: So I was thinking, If we were to go back in time, we could maybe save the world. Bababooey

Crack Thor: (Says the exact same thing but gets credit for it because Scott is very crazy.) Yes, I said this because I am Thor, son of Oxi-Clean and have Arm and Hammer baking soda coursing through my veins.

Crack Tony says concerned: You have what coursing through your veins. Thor? Are you okay?

Crack Thor: Dies

Crack Tony: Why do you never use the parentheses? You just say things out loud. 

Crack Thor: Comes back to life

Crack Thor: (Dies)  
Crack Tony: Okay, this time you said “parentheses dies parentheses”. 

Crack Thor: COmes back to life, slaps Tony, dies.

Crack Tony: OW- Wait, you didn’t even touch me! How did that hurt?!

Crack Scott: That doesn’t matter, right now. Thor, get up and get into the portal. Bababooey

Crack Thor: Is dead. 

Crack Scott: (Sighs very heavily) ...Brings you back to life with magic healing powers you’re now invincible. Bababooey (he says this out loud)

Crack Thor: Is live. (he gets up and walks up to the portal. He jumps in)

(Thor is now on his home planet. Wrestlemania.)

Crack Thor, out loud: It smells of sweat, blood, and tears. My tears. Feels like home. Thor breaks down crying. 

Crack Tony, still speaking out loud: Why are you crying Thor? He asks, looking distraught. Tony, looking at his friend, all helpless and sad, breaks down crying too. They both cry looking up, wondering what kind of god could let this happen. WHY WHY WHY WHYW HWY WHYW HWY WHYW HWY HWY WHYWN HWY WHYW HOW YHWH WHY WHYW HWY HWY HWY HWY WH WH WH WHY WW HWY WYWH WYWH HWY WHWHWHWH WHY WHWHWH WYW HWY HWY HWY HWY HWY YEH HWHWHW WHY WHY WHY WHYW HWY WHYW HWY WHYW HWY HWY WHYWN HWY WHYW HW YHWH WHY WHY HWYh HWY HWY HWY WH WH WH WHY WW HWY WYWH WYWH HWY WHWHWHWH WHY WHWHWH HWY HWY HWY HWY HWY HWY WH HWHWHW WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHYW HWY WHYW HWY WHYW HWY HWY WHYWN HWY WHYW HOW YHWH WHY WHYW HW HYWH HW HW HWY WH WH WH WHY WW HWY WYWH WYWH HWY W WHWHWHWH WHY WHWHWH HWY HWY HWY HWY HWY HWY HWY WHWWHWW WHYW HWY WHYW HWY WHYW HWY HWY WHYWN HWY WHYW HOW YHWH WHY WHYW HW HWH HWY W HWY WH WH WH WHY WW HWY WYWH WYWH HWY W WHWHWHWH WHY WHWHWH HWY HWY HWY HWY HWY HWY WW YW WHWWHWW

Crack Scott Is just sitting there.

Crack Scott: Bababooey.

(Thor stops crying and is now standing on the corpse of Ray Mysterio.)

Crack Thor: Mama mia. 

Crack Star Lord: WaTcH OuT fOr ThE RuBbEr MaN 

Crack Groot: lol groot. 

Crack Thor: Hello. Why are you on my home planet, Wrestlemania? 

Crack Star Lord: I am Star Lord. I have the power of a fat booty on my side. (As he bops that booty).

Crack Thor: That’s a pretty fat booty. 

John Cena: AHHHHH MY SON 

Crack Thor: WOW! Dad! You’re dead!

Crack Star Lord: Homie where is he…….

John Cena: I like your cut g (slaps star lord out of the universe)

Crack Star Lord: HOLD UP RING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING…………………… (it fades out)

Crack Groot: lol groot

(Lol groot is not as powerful as lol gay)

Chillary Clinton: I’m just chilling. In Cedar Rapids.

Crack Thor: Ok, so I’m gonna need the Jonfinity Reality Stone.

John Cena: I am so invisible, not even reality can see me.

Crack Thor: Dad, we’ve been over this. 

John Cena: I’m sorry. 

(John Cena puts on a wig.)

Crack Thor: Mom! (he hugs Jane Cena, who is just John Cena in a wig.) I miss you so much! 

Jane Cena (in a falsetto): Hello, son. 

Crack Thor: ...Can I go get the stone, now? 

Jane Cena: Yeah, it’s just in the vault. 

(Crack Thor walks to the vault, which just looks like a McDonald’s PlayPlace. He took Crack Rocket with him.)

Crack Rocket: Okay. So, do we just have to climb this McDonalds PlayPlace? 

Crack Thor: This is no small McDonalds PlayPlace. I’ve gotten lost in this PlayPlace more times than I can count. No doubt, the stone will be at the top. 

(Crack Thor starts to get into the PlayPlace, but he’s forcibly ejected backward.)

Crack Thor, groaning: Ow… What happened? 

(Crack Rocket looks up.) 

Crack Rocket: That’s probably why. 

(Crack Rocket points to a sign attached to the PlayPlace by zip ties. It’s bright blue and a cartoon bandit is painted on it. In big, white lettering at the top it says “4ft”, then above that it says “Children must be under four feet to play in the Ronald McDonald PlayPlace”.)

Crack Rocket: Just take your shoes off. 

Crack Thor: Oh! Good idea. 

(Crack Thor takes off his shoes. This takes 2 feet and 3 inches off his height. He is exactly four feet tall, now. They both climb into the PlayPlace. Crack Thor is in front of Crack Rocket.)

Crack Rocket: This PlayPlace smells like Axe body spray and failed accomplishments. 

Crack Thor: (whispers) Loki. 

Crack Loki: HELP! SOMEONE HELP ME! I’M TRAPPED IN THIS PLAYPLACE!

Crack Thor: My brother was banished here, during this time, to atone for his crimes. 

Jane Cena: Son, before you go I have to tell you something. I'm not actually your Mother, your real mother is dead in the back of a Best Buy parking lot.

Crack Thor: WHWYWHYWWHHWYWHWYWHWHWYWHWYWHWYWHYWHWYWHWYWHWYWHWYWHWYWHWYWHWYWHWYWHWYWHWYHWYWHEYEYWHEYEHEYHEYEHEYEHEYEHYWHEYEHWYWHWYWHWYWHW

Crack Rocket: Okay, keep moving, fatty. 

Crack Thor: Fine… 

(They crawl for a while before reaching a large picture of Thor, standing on a pile of dead sumo wrestlers, because sumo wrestling is not actual wrestling. Beside that picture, there’s a picture of Thor’s real mother, Melania Trump.)

John Cena: I’m sorry I never told you, son. But this… this is your real mother. 

Crack Thor: Father, if I knew that this was mother, everything would make more sense. The Hair, the eyes, the hot bod, the extreme lack of intellect… everything.

Crack Rocket: ...I am a raccoon. 

Crack Thor: No… YOU LIED TO ME, TOO!

Crack Star Lord: My dad is a planet, so I can do what I want.

Crack Rocket: How did you get into this McDonald’s PlayPlace you stupid cretin. You miserable worm. You useless idot. You whippersnapper. 

Crack Thor, still upset because of his findings: ...Let’s just find the reality stone.

Crack Rocket: Good idea. 

(They venture further into the depths of the PlayPlace and discover Loki’s jail cell)

Crack Thor: BROTHERHERHEHREhHREhEHRHERErERE! 

Crack Loki: Release me from this flesh prison, brother. (He makes a noise like he is possessed)

Crack Thor: No. Bad and naughty children have to stay in the forever box. And you are bad and naughty. 

(Crack Loki simply evaporates.)

Crack Thor: …Well, that sucks. 

Crack Rocket: Yeah. Now, let’s keep walking. 

(They walk for a few more minutes, singing jaunty sea shanties.)

Crack Rocket: AH! STONE!

Crack Thor: WAIT DON’T TOUCH IT! 

(There are two stones. One of them is a fake.)

Crack Thor: It’s a puzzle. We have to put one of the stones in our mouths. If we put the wrong one in our mouth, we’ll die a violent and painful death by poisoning. We have to use our power of deduction and wit to--

(Crack Rocket picks up a stone and puts it in his mouth.)

Crack Rocket: ...Cherry cough drop. 

Crack Thor: That’s the one. 

(Crack Rocket spits the disgusting, moist hard candy into Crack Thor’s palm and Thor phases back into reality, standing in front of Tony.)

Tony: So it worked?


	6. Scene Four

(Crack Thor collapses onto the ground and cries.)

Crack Tony: So that’s a yes, huh?

(Crack Thor throws the cherry cough drop to Tony, who catches it and puts it into the Dewalt Premium Leather Welding Glove, Fire/Heat Resistant, Gauntlet-Style Cuff, Elastic Wrist Medium Gauntlet.)

Crack Tony: Awesome. Cool. Now we need the Space Stone. 

Crack Scott: You don’t mean the… 

(Crack Tony nods solemnly.)

Crack Tony: The John Lenon stone. 

Crack Tony: Who’s gonna go after it? 

Crack Rocket, still trying to get the horrid taste of the cherry cough drop out of his mouth: I will because I am spaceman.

Crack Tony: Good plan. If the rabbit dies, no one will care 

(insert video of rabbit getting killed by javelin.)  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qvp0hAI47XA 

Crack Thor: But… he’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen… 

Crack Rocket: No matter the circumstances, I’ll retrieve the stone and kill John Lenon. 

Crack Scott: Woah now, I wouldn’t go that far… bababooey. What did John Lenon ever do to you, bababooey.

Crack Rocket: He made the “Some Time In New York City” album. An album that killed my father.

Crack Groot: I am groot. (Which translates into he killed my father as well.)

Crack Rocket: Did you know that Groot is actually a part of the Flora Colossus species and that their language is just them saying I am groot.

Crack Tony: Just go into the portal. 

Crack Rocket: I came in like a wrecking ball.

(Crack Thor picks up Crack Rocket and rides through the portal on a wrecking ball, fully naked, his arms swinging in the air, faster than any wrecking ball before, it was a new world record.)

Crack Tony: ...I would like to bleach my eyes. 

Crack Scott: Me too. Bababooey 

Crack Steve: My… my virgin eyes… they’re tainted. 

(Crack Thor, still naked, walks out of the portal without Rocket.)

Crack Tony: Good luck to him, I guess.


	7. Carcass 2

(This one signals the part where people in the audience all do the wave collectively. The Crack Avengers come out and encourage them.)  
(This is NOT the intermission.)


	8. Scene Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW/ The Beatles references

Crack Rocket, shuddering: I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at Thor ever again. That man was packing. 

(Crack Scott walks through the portal with him.)

Crack Scott: Sorry, I wasn’t gonna let you go off by yourself. Bababooey.

Crack Rocket: I got stuck with the broken record? Really, writers? 

Crack Scott, trembling: ...Who are you talking to, Bababooey? 

Crack Rocket: ...mm, I don’t know. 

Crack Scott: Where will the stone be? Bababooey. 

Crack Rocket: I don’t know that, either. Something tells me we need to… Follow the Sun

Crack Scott: What-- Why did you say it like that? Bababooey. 

Crack Rocket: I don’t know… I-... I’ve… I’ve just… I’ve Got a Feeling, you know? 

Crack Scott: You’re scaring me, raccoon! Stop it! Bababooey! 

Crack Rocket: I CAN’T! 

(Crack Scott picks up Rocket and shakes him violently. Crack Rocket’s eyes roll back into his skull and he starts foaming at the mouth.)

Crack Rocket, snarling and writhing: StRAWBERRY FIELD! 

Crack Scott: Wh… what? Bababooey. 

(Crack Scott drops Crack Rocket. Crack Rocket lays on the ground like a discarded raccoon plushie.) 

Crack Rocket: It’s… In the yellow submarine… in the middle of a strawberry field maze. 

Crack Scott: ...Were you just possessed? Bababooey. 

Crack Rocket: ...I think so. It felt like being licked by a million tongues. 

Crack Scott: That’s disgusting. Bababooey. Now… the strawberry field. Bababooey

Crack Rocket: Yes. Okay… So the strawberry field is right behind you, HOWEVER we can’t walk in yet, because there is a giant Blackbird guarding the way. He requires you to sing one verse of Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da without getting tongue tied. 

Crack Scott: Can anyone do that? Bababooey. 

Crack Rocket: No. That’s why we have to kill the bird. 

Crack Scott: ...Oh god. Bababooey. 

Crack Rocket: Also, the strawberry field is a maze. 

Crack Scott: Oh GOD. Bababooey. 

(There is a LOUD screeching noise like a thousand nails being dragged against a chalkboard. A shadow is cast over the two of them. Crack Rocket and Crack Scott cower, hugging each other tightly, preparing for his arrival.)  
(The blackbird flies down and lands on the fence. They look up at it, prepared for horrors unseen before now.) 

Crack Rocket: ...That is a comedically plump blackbird. 

The Blackbird (voiced by Dennis Dexter Haysbert): Sing, fools. 

Crack Scott: Oh my god his voice-- Bababooey. 

Crack Rocket: ...I’m so incredibly attracted to him and yet so horrified at the same time. 

The Blackbird: SING, FOOLS. 

Crack Rocket, panicking: w-We ALl lIvE in A YeLLOw SUBmARINE

(The Blackbird picks up Crack Rocket and simply swallows him whole, jaw unhinging like a snake. Crack Rocket screamed for a while, but then his cries were stifled by the thick flesh of the horrid creature.)

Crack Scott: NOOO! RABBIT!!! BABABOOEY.

(Tears form in Crack Scott. He’s blinded by revenge. He picks up a guitar, which is sitting there for plot convenience. He starts singing the song perfectly while bashing the bird on the head. The bird squawks and screeches. Feathers are flying everywhere. Strangely enough, there is no blood to be seen. That is, until Crack Scott picks up the bird and rips it open, freeing Crack Rocket, who is now comically small in order to fit inside of the bird’s small stomach. He’s an inch tall. At the end, Crack Scott dramatically murmurs a “bababooey” and puts Tiny Crack Rocket onto his shoulder.)

Tiny Crack Rocket, in a tiny voice: Thank you for saving me!

Crack Scott: It’s what heroes do. Bababooey. 

Tiny Crack Rocket: No, that’s Thor’s line. 

Crack Scott: Oh. Sorry. Bababooey. 

(They walk into the maze, starting the journey into the labyrinth. After walking for a few hours, Tiny Crack Rocket, who is slowly growing back to normal size, complains. They both look very tired. Imagine the growing like the Deadpool scene where he gets blown up and his legs are small and slowly grow back. If you don't know this scene please look at the link below. )  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pGrGQ01qwr4

Crack Rocket: Ughh… We’ve been walking for hours. I’m starting to think we’re going to be in these Strawberry Fields Forever. 

(As soon as Crack Rocket says this, Strawberry Shortcake jumps out of a nearby bush and starts screaming slurs at him.)

Strawberry Shortcake: You're my best friend, you were from the start. Together we stand strong, we shall never part. We found a friendship so powerful and true, we will…….

(Crack Bucky magically appears for a split second)

Crack Bucky: Lol gay.

(Strawberry Shortcake explodes into a mass of various fruits, cake, and pudding.) 

(Crack Scott screams. Soon after this, they arrive at a gate. Scott still looks shaken up. A man walks out who is obviously John Lennon wearing a second pair of glasses over his glasses. They don’t realize this.)

Stranger: Hello, children of the strawberry field. What is it you seek? 

Crack Rocket: The blue raspberry jolly rancher. 

Stranger: Why not simply purchase one from the store? 

Crack Rocket: Because the one we need is filled with crack.

Stranger: …I see. 

Some random guy: OH SO THAT’S WHY THEY CALL IT THE “CRACK AVENGERS”!!!

(Everyone boos and hisses at him. He is escorted out by Jane Cena.) 

Crack Rocket: God, I hate that guy. 

Crack Scott: Yeah, he sucks, but he did help explain the plot point in a way that would make sense to readers and viewers. 

Stranger: To pass this gate, you must answer three simple questions.

Crack Rocket: Okay. Hit me. 

Stranger: Are you registered to vote? 

Crack Rocket: I’m a raccoon. 

Crack Scott: I’ve been dead for 3 years. Bababooey. 

Stranger: Good, I’m not either, because I’m British. But you should register to vote, it’s important. 

Crack Scott: Will do. Bababooey. 

Stranger: Question two- Which writer is writing this question right now? 

Crack Rocket: ...Writer?

Crack Scott: What do you mean? Bababooey. 

Crack Rocket: ...The name Keegan comes to mind. 

Stranger: Incorrect. Question three- Do you REALLY want to come in? 

Crack Scott: Yes. Bababooey. 

Crack Rocket: Very much. 

Stranger: Say the magic word. 

Crack Scott: Please bababooey. 

Crack Rocket: Abracadabra.

(The stranger rips off his second pair of glasses to reveal that he’s John Lennon.)

Crack Rocket: WOAH! JOHN LENNON FROM THE BEATLES!

Crack Scott: WHO COULD HAVE EXPECTED THAT?! Bababooey! 

John Lennon: That is correct, my children. You may have the Jolly Rancher even though you got every question wrong. I still appreciate you and love you, for trying. 

(He hands the Jolly Rancher to Scott, who stuffs it in one of his wounds. Flesh pocket. John Lennon taps them on the forehead and then they start to fade away.)

John Lennon, voice fading: Register to voteeee…


	9. Scene Six

(Crack Scott hands the stone over to Crack Tony.) 

Crack Tony: Cool and vibing. 

(Crack Tony puts the stone into the Dewalt Premium Leather Welding Glove, Fire/Heat Resistant, Gauntlet-Style Cuff, Elastic Wrist Medium Gauntlet.)

Crack Tony: Alright. I call going after the Time Stone. 

Crack Stephen: I’ll go with you. I like time. 

Crack Tony: Groovy. 

(Crack Stephen and Crack Tony both simply fall backward into the floor and phase out of existence.) 

Crack Stephen: What. 

Crack Tony: Isn’t this like your childhood home or something? 

Crack Stephen: Yes, but no. I wasn’t a child. But close enough. 

(They are at John Arbuckle’s house. This is where Crack Stephen trained under John as one of his pets. Crack Stephen is Odie.) 

John Arbuckle, standing at the window wistfully: You’re about 3 years too early. 

Crack Stephen: ...I’m aware, Master Arbuckle. 

John Arbuckle: ...Sit, Odie. 

(Crack Stephen tears up. He shakes his head.)

John Arbuckle: Sit. 

Crack Stephen: Master Arbuckle, I--

John Arbuckle: SIT, ODIE. 

(Crack Stephen plops down on the ground. A single tear rolls down his cheek.)

John Arbuckle: Are you aware what taking all the stones will require you to do?

Crack Stephen: Yes sir. I’m aware that we’re going to blow up the w-- I mean-- Do that thing. 

Crack Tony: What-- 

Crack Stephen: Shut up Tony, you got turned into a cucumber, a long slimy cucumber, which was then dipped in some sort of vinegar mixture. Mmmmm.

Crack Groot, being adorable and weird: I hate band kids. (which translates into “I hate band kids”.)

Crack Tony: ...Okay. 

John Arbuckle: To pass my trials, you must first create the perfect lasagna for Garfield. Go around the house and collect all the ingredients you will need, but be wary. Others seek this treasure, too, and they will stop at no lengths to get the perfect lasagna ingredients. 

Crack Stephen, bowing: Yes, Master Arbuckle.   
John Arbuckle: Your first ingredient is Italian sausage, according to gimmesomeoven.com/best-lasagna-recipe/. Once you find everything, report back to me and the stone is all yours. Now leave me. I believe in you both. 

(John Arbuckle throws a map to their feet. It’s a map of the house. The house is MASSIVE. There are 9 floors in total, each of them housing a different ingredient.)  
(they set off with the map, walking up the first set of stairs. Strange letters appear right in front of them.)  
(The letters say ITEM ONE: ITALIAN SAUSAGE… GO! Mario Kart music starts playing. They have to go around and gather as many pieces of Italian sausage as possible before the hungry lions are released and they are killed. They, of course, don’t know this, but they start scooping up pieces of sausage, anyway, because they love sausage.)

Crack Tony: MM WOW I LOVE SAUSAGE! 

Crack Stephen: I SURE HOPE NOTHING BAD HAPPENS! 

Crack Tony: I SURE HOPE NO BLOODTHIRSTY, HUNGRY LIONS COME OUT AND EAT ME! THAT WOULD BE AN UNFORTUNATE AND SCARY TURN OF EVENTS! VERY UNCHARACTERISTIC OF THE WRITER OF THIS ST--

(Crack Tony doesn’t finish his sentence. His arm gets ripped off by a bloodthirsty, hungry lion. He screams. There’s blood covering the Italian sausage chunks, which he keeps gathering, despite his arm being bitten off. The lions don’t roar. Instead, they only say “much wow” and “many bite”. These are not normal lions. They are liones.)

Crack Stephen: OH MY GOD, A BLOODTHIRSTY, HUNGRY LION! HOW SCARY AND UNCHARACTERISTIC! 

(They are being MAULED by these lions. We’re talking a bloody, horrifying fight scene between them and these lions. There’s a counter in the corner that says 49/50. They only need one more chunk. Crack Stephen reaches out to grab the last piece. His fingers brush against it. There’s a dinging noise and then they are immediately teleported into the next room, completely fine like nothing happened.)

Crack Stephen: ...woah.

Crack Tony: Those lions were wacky and uncharacteristic. 

(They suddenly realize that they are not next to each other. There’s a wall in front of them. Tony’s wall has a paper that says “key” and then a whole bunch of faces of recognizable and lovable Garfield comic characters in a maze-like pattern. Stephen doesn’t have anything on his wall, however, the floor is covered in tiles. If he steps on the wrong tile, he will be killed.)

Crack Tony: ...Okay. I think it’s a maze. If you step on the wrong tile, it’ll kill you. I have the map, here in front of me. You’re gonna have to trust me. 

Crack Stephen: ...I trust you with anything, Crack Tony. 

(Careless Whisper Uncopywritten Recorder Version plays for about 10 seconds and then stops.) 

Crack Tony: ...That was weird. 

Crack Stephen: Yeah… 

Crack Tony: Anyway-- First step-- I think that might be… Nermal the cat.

(Crack Stephen steps on the tile. A nail shoots through his foot. He lets out an agonized scream.)

Crack Tony: SHoOT! THat’s Garfield! I’m sorry!

(Crack Stephen grumbles softly, but steps on the Garfield tile.)

(For my own sanity, the maze is only 10 blocks long and the joke is that Crack Stephen keeps getting stabbed in the foot on the easy ones, but on the most obscure side character, he gets it right first try. Crack Stephen grabs the vegetables and they’re teleported to the next room. Once again, Stephen is magically unharmed.)

Crack Stephen: I literally hate you, Tony. 

Crack Tony: I did my best :^(

Crack Stephen: How did you say that out loud??

(Crack Tony shrugs, then looks around.)

Crack Tony: Okay. This is the tomato level. 

Crack Stephen: How do you know?

(Crack Tony points to the wall. There’s writing all over the walls that says “TOMATO” “FIND WALDO” “FIND HIM FOR THE TOMATO”. It looks like it’s written in blood. Crack Tony walks over and licks it.)

Crack Tony: ...It’s tomato sauce. They got the sauce and then went insane. 

(The floor starts to rumble. From the tiles comes a giant touch screen tablet. It sits in the middle of the room idly, illuminating the ceiling with a soft blue light. Crack Stephen walks over to it.)

Crack Stephen: ...Where’s Waldo? That’s our next task? 

Crack Tony: This has to be some kind of a trick. 

(They skim the page with their eyes, but Waldo is nowhere to be found.) 

Crack Tony: It’s a puzzle. We have to find a secret button or something that will make Waldo appear. 

Crack Stephen: Or we have to find all the other things first.

(Once again, for the sake of my sanity, there is a montage of them finding all the things. When they finish, there’s a loud screeching noise. A giant Waldo statue erupts from the ground. In his hands are three, juicy tomatoes. Crack Tony plucks them from his hands and they are transported to the next room.) 

(This room is the wine isle in a grocery store of an expensive neighborhood. There are all kinds of rich-looking people browsing the wines.)

Crack Tony: Oh no…

Crack Stephen: The most dangerous task…

Crack Tony: Please don’t tell me we have to pick out a non-expensive wine while praying that these middle aged women don’t judge us? 

Crack Stephen: Yep.

Crack Tony: Ughhhh… But they’re so judgmental and rudeee! 

(Crack Stephen begins to browse the wines. People stare at him. They scoff and whisper amongst themselves when he picks up a white wine. This makes him embarrassed.) 

Crack Tony: Okay. In order to not be judged by one of these middle aged women, we need a distraction. 

Crack Stephen: Like what?

Crack Tony: ...I need a gorilla costume. 

Crack Stephen: I don’t have a gorilla costume. 

(Crack Tony picks up two wine bottles.)

Crack Tony: Fine. I’ll improvise. 

(He smashes the bottles on the ground and starts barking at the top of his lungs. He screams and hollers about how the price of wine keeps going up. All the people in the aisle are staring at him. Stephen takes this opportunity to pick out a dry red wine, which teleports them to the next room.) 

Crack Tony: That was humiliating. 

Crack Stephen: It got the job done. 

Crack Tony: What’s next?

Crack Stephen: Spices. 

Crack Tony: Oh, good god. 

(Crack Tony points to the ceiling. The spices are in a little bag hanging from a rope attached to the popcorn roof. There’s nothing else in the room.)

Crack Stephen: Oh, this one is easy. I just have to throw you. 

Crack Tony: THROW ME?! YOU CAN’T THROW ME! 

Crack Stephen, already picking up Tony because he’s short: I sure as heck can. 

(and in the middle of writing this chapter, Liv realized that she has put “Stephen” this whole time, when Stephen is, in fact, in the void where all the lost socks go. To fill this dimensional plot hole, she has decided to say that Stephen can travel between the two dimensions because she’s too lazy to fix it, now. Besides, when have we ever followed the rules of the Marvel cinematic universe?)

Crack Tony: WAIT NO-- NO I’M NOT READY DON’T TH--

(Crack Stephen throws him as hard as he can. Crack Tony screams, but grabs onto the rope that is holding the spices.)

Crack Tony: OKAY. OKAY, I HAVE THE SPICES. CAN WE PLEASE BE TELEPORTED NOW? 

(Nothing happens.)

Crack Tony: ...I have to find a way down, don’t I? 

Crack Stephen: Yup. Just fall! I’ll catch you.

Crack Tony: I don’t believe you. 

Crack Stephen: How hard could it be? 

(Crack Tony holds his breath, but lets go of the rope. Crack Stephen catches him and looks into his eyes. The bad recorder version of Careless Whisper starts playing again. Doves come out of nowhere.) 

Crack Tony: You look like you’re having an allergic reaction. 

Crack Stephen: I’m allergic to feathers. 

(They teleport to the next room, which is a large garden filled with all kinds of plants and such.)  
(There’s a sign that says:  
“Watch them grow  
Watch them flow   
Watch them bloom, with petals aglow.   
If you pick the wrong flower,   
It will be your final hour.   
Do not pick one that’s orange  
Nothing rhymes with orange.  
Pick the basil, you idiot.”)

Crack Tony: It’s some kind of riddle. 

Crack Stephen: It’s really not. 

Crack Tony: Shut up, yes it is. 

Crack Stephen: What does basil even look like? 

Crack Tony: It’s okay, I was a culinary major. 

Crack Stephen: What? 

Crack Tony: Yeah, did you really think I worked with robotics my whole life? 

Crack Stephen: YES. YES, I DID THINK THAT. 

Crack Tony: Well, you were wrong. 

(Crack Tony tries to pick up some rosemary. His hand is blown off. He screams.) 

Crack Stephen: OH MY GOD

Crack Tony: OH GOD IT HURTS! OH GODDDD! 

Crack Stephen: WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?! 

Crack Tony: I WANTED TO SEE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN! 

Crack Stephen: TONY WHAT THE HECK?! 

(Crack Tony quickly picks some basil. They’re teleported to the next room, unscathed.)

Crack Tony, still crying: That… was the worst… 

Crack Stephen: It’s okay. It’s over. Now what? 

(They are in a large farm consisting of cow and hen pens.)

Crack Stephen: This is the final and most difficult room. The egg and cheese room. In this room, we have to find the non-gay cow that actually gives out milk and the chicken that’s willing to give up her eggs. 

Crack Tony: Well, the cow should be easy enough. 

Crack Stephen: Then we’ll start there. 

(They walk into the pen. It’s full of cows with bad pixie cuts and mullets.)

Crack Stephen: this is gonna be harder than they thought. 

Crack Tony: It’s like an art school, in here… 

(They search for a while over some bad montage music and eventually find one cow with no haircut. Despite what you might think, this cow can’t actually give out milk. No, instead, it simply poops cheese, which they grab a handful of and then head over to the chicken pen.)

(The chicken pen is filled with hens carrying signs that say ‘kill all men’. It’s rather funny and also A COMPLETELY HARMLESS JOKE. THE WRITER IS A WOMAN. PLEASE DON’T SKIN ME ALIVE.) 

Crack Stephen: ...You go, girls. 

Crack Tony: You’re a man, Stephen, you’re not allowed to comment. It’s a feminist movement. 

Crack Stephen: Actually, Tony, feminism isn’t about trying to kill all men or get rid of all men everywhere. In fact, the concept of feminism isn’t a radical idea, at all. Most feminists believe that the idea of feminism should include men, women of color, and queer women as well. It doesn’t exclude anyone. That’s the exact opposite of what it’s trying to do. The concept has been bastardized so much over the years that it’s hard to decipher real feminism from radical feminism, anymore. The main concept is actually to gain equal rights, pay, and job opportunities for women in the workplace.

Crack Tony: Wow… Thank you, Stephen. I didn’t know that. 

Crack Stephen: You’re welcome, Tony. 

(The hens are so moved by his speech that immediately, they all lay an egg and give it to him. This teleports them into a room with an oven and a box of noodles. Crack Tony and Crack Stephen begin to cook The BEST Lasagna over more bad montage music.)

Crack Tony, covered in flour and tomato paste: Wow… I can’t believe we did it… 

(Stephen takes the lasagna out of the oven. It is, in fact, perfect. This teleports them into Garfield’s throne room.)

Garfield the Cat: Hello, men. I have what you seek. Give me what I deserve. 

(The two hand over the lasagna, bowing to him.)

Crack Stephen: Oh, great one! Grant me the power to harness the green M&M. 

(Genuine the Cat scarfs down the lasagna in two bites. He enjoys it. Usually he’d eat it in one bite, but he was savoring the flavor.) 

Genius the Cat: …I shall give you the stone. 

(he outstretches his furred hand to give them the green M&M. They take it and are teleported home.)


	10. Carcass 3.

(This one signals the point in the show in which a man in a Jerry the Apricot (offbrand Larry the Cucumber) costume comes out and sings a wacky song.   
(this is NOT the intermission.)


	11. Scene Seven

Crack Tony: We did it! 

Crack Stephen: Indeed we did, my friend! 

Crack Tony, staring him in the eyes: We… make a good team… 

(The recorder version of careless whisper plays again, but then screeches to a stop when Crack Thor slaps both of them as hard as he can.) 

Crack Tony: AH! Oh-- Thank you. I needed that. 

(Crack Stephen puts the stone into the Dewalt Premium Leather Welding Glove, Fire/Heat Resistant, Gauntlet-Style Cuff, Elastic Wrist Medium Gauntlet.)

Crack Stephen: Well, that went well. 

Crack Tony: It did. We did good. Now, what’s next?

Crack Stephen: Looks like the Soul Stone. One of you has to die. 

Crack Natasha: Me. I pick me to die. 

Crack Tony: Well, this ought to be easy, then. 

(before they could say another word, Natasha jumps into the portal.)


	12. Scene Eight

Crack Natasha: AYO I’M TRYNA DIE, HERE! 

John F. Kennedy (the Clone High version): I-err-uh don’t get many visitorrrs. It’s nice to uhhh see you! 

Crack Natasha: Can it, head-wound. Take me to the nearest cliff. 

John F. Kennedy: I-err-uh don’t know why people believe that stigmaaa. I-err-uh never killed a single person on this err-uh here clifffff. 

Crack Natasha: So… I don’t get to jump off? 

John F. Kennedy: Nooo. You just have to sit and have a-uhh tea party with meeee! 

Crack Natasha: A… a tea party? 

John F. Kennedy: Yesss. 

Crack Natasha: ...Okay, I guess. 

(they sit down at a little table. John F. Kennedy serves some tea to her.)

Crack Natasha: This is ni--

John F. Kennedy: Yes, it is nice. Did you know that a blue whale’s veins are large enough for a 3-year old to swim through? 

Crack Natasha: What? 

John F. Kennedy: Blue whales are so big that they can grow as much as 90 feet in length. 

Crack Natasha: Hey wait a se--

John F. Kennedy: They can weigh as much as 30 elephants! 

Crack Natasha: Why do you keep talking about wh--

John F. Kennedy: It’s said that they are almost as smart as dolphins. 

Crack Natasha: …

John F. Kennedy: A whale’s fart bubble can hold a car. 

(they sit in silence for a few moments.)

John F. Kennedy: Thank you for listening. Here you go. 

(John F. Kennedy hands over the RedHot Cinnamon candy.)

Crack Natasha: This might have been the easiest one to get- What a cop-out from the writer. 

(she is teleported home.)


	13. Intermission(this one is actually the intermission. Go pee. Act Two begins. There will be NO Carcass during Act Two.)

(this one is actually the intermission. Go pee. Act Two begins. There will be NO Carcass during Act Two.)


	14. Scene Nine

(They are teleported home.)

Crack Tony: thank god! I was starting to think that Thor would have to do his armpit farts if you didn’t get back soon. 

(Crack Thor looks a little dejected. He didn’t get to show off his cool party trick where he armpit-farts the alphabet.)

Crack Tony: Put the stone into the glove. 

Crack Natasha: Alright. But be careful, this one is a little bit spicy. 

Crack Tony: I know, I know. 

(She puts it into the Dewalt Premium Leather Welding Glove, Fire/Heat Resistant, Gauntlet-Style Cuff, Elastic Wrist Medium Gauntlet.)

Crack Steve: I’ll go get the mind stone. I’m too stupid for the mind games to work on me. 

Crack Tony: good thinking, Steve. Get suited up. 

Crack Steve: You got it, boss. 

(Crack Steve runs off, running right into a glass door. This is humorous. There’s a laugh track. Crack Steve tries to walk through the glass door, again, this time breaking right through. There’s now a hole in the glass, comedically shaped like Steve.)

Crack Tony, chuckles: Oh, that kid…

(There’s another laugh track and then sitcom music plays.)

Crack Natasha: What is this, an episode of WandaVision?

(another laugh track)

Crack Tony: No, I don’t like this…  
(A couple minutes later, Crack Steve comes bounding through and jumps into the portal, teleporting him to John Stamos’s lair.)


	15. Scene Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Psychologically torturing Steve.

(Crack Steve flops down on the floor, saying his signature catchphrase, “OW MY HIP!”)

Crack Steve: OW MY HIP!

(there is a laugh track mixed with applauding.)

Crack Steve, getting up: Huh…? Where am I…? Who’s laughing…?

(He looks around and realizes he’s in the Full House house.)

John Stamos: You’re in my realm, now. And those people? That’s our live studio audience… 

Crack Steve: ...You don’t mean-

John Stamos: Oh, I mean. You’re on a sitcom, my friend. 

(There’s applauding and wooing. The audience seems to like that he’s trapped in a sitcom.)

Crack Steve: Wh-What do I need to do to escape? 

John Stamos: Help me make a cake for the bake sale! We have an issue with ratings, right now, and we find that comedically pleasing baking scenes boost the humor ratings, quite a bit. Especially with the… ladies. 

(John Stamos winks at the wall. The crowd goes wild with applause.)

Crack Steve: H-Huh?

John Stamos, chuckling: Hah… Oh, Steve. You have no idea. There’s no thoughts behind those eyes. 

(The crowd ‘awwws’. Suddenly, they’re both in the kitchen. Transition music plays.)

Crack Steve: What- Why am I- How--

John Stamos: Shut up. Let’s start cooking.

(he pulls out a bag of flour.)

Crack Steve, in a strained, forced voice: So nice of you to bring me flowers, John.

(There’s a laugh track.)

Crack Steve: What? I didn’t want to say that. 

John Stamos: Yes you did.

(he starts pouring the ingredients into the bowl.)

Crack Steve, forced: You know what would complete this cake, John? 

John Stamos: What, Steve? 

Crack Steve: A-A can of my favorite baking ingredient… Sodie Pop. 

(I lied. It would come up later. Crack Steve picks up a can of Sodie Pop. He shows it to the camera.)

Crack Steve: The… The youngsters… Just… Just won’t get it.

(The audience cheers. They love the brand.)

John Stamos: Haha! Absolutely correct, Steve! 

Crack Steve: This is Hell. I’m dead and this is Hell. 

John Stamos: Not as hot as you thought it would be, is it?!

(the audience laughed at his fear.) 

Crack Steve: I don’t want to do this anymore. 

(John takes a shock collar remote out of his pocket and presses the button. Crack Steve collapses on the floor, screaming in pain. When did John put a shock collar on him?)

Crack Steve: You’re not ReAL! NONE OF THIS IS ReAL!

John Stamos: You might be right… What if this is all just…. An illusion. 

(the word illusion echos for a moment and the room changes. It shifts into an outer space scene. They are floating in space.) 

Crack Steve: YOU AREN’T REAL!

(He’s propelled toward the earth at a hundred miles per hour)

Crack Steve: YOU CAN’T KILL ME!

(He appears on the floor of a McDonalds, stone in hand.)

(A laugh track plays. He teleports home.)


	16. Scene Eleven

Crack Steve, shaking: You will not believe what I had to go through to get this. 

Crack Tony: Did he make you eat a bucket of eels? Or slugs?

Crack Steve: No… Worse. He made me… star in a sitcom. 

Crack Tony: Haha.

Crack Bruce: Haha. Anyway- The final stone is the Power Stone. I can go get that one. 

Crack Tony: Okay, Jolly Green Giant, get it I guess. 

Crack Bruce: That’s not funny, Tony, you know I’m insecure. 

Crack Tony: Haha Shrek. 

Crack Bruce: You’re not gonna like it when I get angry, Tony. 

Crack Tony: Haha Larry the Cucumber. 

Crack Bruce: That one was kind of funny, actually. 

Crack Thor: Just get in the portal!

Crack Bruce: Okay, you don’t have to shout at me! 

(He jumps into the portal.)


	17. Scene Twelve

(He arrives at an empty office. Well, empty except for the furniture. It was almost like it was frozen in time. The clock didn’t change no matter how long you stared at it. There was no noise. Not even the sound of afternoon traffic. Bruce realized that he remembered this office building.)

Crack Bruce: Hey! Is this the office from the hit show, The Office? Featuring J--

(He is tackled to the ground by a tall man in a blue shirt.)

John Krasinski: WHO ARE YOU?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?! 

Crack Bruce: WH-WHAT? JIM FROM THE OFFICE?

John Krasinski, sighing heavily: Oh. You’re just a fan. You aren’t here to find the purple Pez which I’ve skillfully hidden in Jell-O under Dwight’s desk. 

Crack Bruce: Actually, that IS what I’m here for. 

(John’s expression changes to one of disappointment and sadness.)

Crack Bruce: Oh, don’t be sad! It’s okay! I like The Office, too!

John Krasinski: No, you’re just saying that to make me feel better. 

Crack Bruce: Noooo! The Office is funny and good!

John Krasinski: No, nevermind. It’s too late, now. Your trial is to eat all the jell-o, or I’ll smite you to the ground. 

Crack Bruce: but I’m allergic to Jell-O.

John Krasinski: Well, you should have thought of that before you came to mess with me. Jerk. 

(Crack Bruce is quickly losing his patience.)

Crack Bruce: I didn’t know that you would get so upset about me not wanting to talk about The Office. 

John Krasinski: Like I said. Should have thought about that. 

(He looks at the camera.)

Crack Bruce: What- What’s that- What are you doing?

John Krasinski: What do you mean? I’m not doing anything. 

Crack Bruce: Yes, you are. Stop it. 

John Krasinski: I’m not doing anything, Bruce. You’re seeing things. 

Crack Bruce: Yes you ARE! I can see you!

(Suddenly, other office characters appear around the two of them. They’re all staring at him. Everyone is there except for one. Dwight.)

Crack Bruce: What is this? This isn’t funny. 

(He suddenly realizes what this is.)

(He is Dwight. The butt of all the jokes. The one inserted mostly for comedic relief. This makes him mad. Very mad. Angrier than he’d ever been before.)

Crack Bruce, slowly changing into Hulk: Give me the stone, now. Or you’re not gonna like what’s gonna happen, next. 

John Krasinski: Oh, am I? 

Crack Bruce: No. You’re not. 

(Bruce picks up John by the leg.)

Crack Bruce: The stone. Now. 

John Krasinski, a little nervous, now: I-I told you. It’s under Dwight’s desk-- In the Jell-O! You have to e-eat your way through! I don’t make the rules. I just enforce them!

Crack Bruce, taking out the Jell-O and putting it down on the table: You eat. 

John Krasinski: Wh-what? 

Crack Bruce: YOU EAT IT. 

John Krasinski: No, I can’t-- That’s not my job- I’m just supposed to-- 

(Crack Bruce shoves John’s face into the jell-o. The other Office characters laugh at his misery as John begins frantically eating his way through the Jell-O.)

John Krasinski: HERE! TAKE YOUR STUPId STONE!

(Crack Bruce simply plucks the stone out of the Jell-O mold.)

Crack Bruce: Thank you.

(He is teleported home.)


	18. Scene Thirteen

Crack Bruce: Hey, guys. 

Crack Tony: Bruce! Welcome back. Did you get the purple Pez? 

Crack Bruce: Heck, yes, I did! 

Crack Tony: Awesome. 

(He takes the candy from him and they put it in the Dewalt Premium Leather Welding Glove, Fire/Heat Resistant, Gauntlet-Style Cuff, Elastic Wrist Medium Gauntlet.) 

Crack Tony: ...We.. have all the stones? 

Crack Bruce: Yyyyep. What now?

Crack Tony: Put the glove on. 

Crack Bruce: What?! I’m not putting that thing on! It could rip my arm off! 

Crack Tony: Just put it on, coward!

Crack Bruce: No! I’m not gonna put it on!

Crack Steve: I’ll do it. 

(both of them look at Steve, confused.)

Crack Tony: What…? But… You’ll die, Steve. 

Crack Steve: I have to do this. For the Buckster. 

Crack Tony: …You get it, America’s Cheeks. 

(Crack Steve salutes them and then puts on the glove.) 

Crack Steve: Three… Two… 

(He snaps. There’s a flash of blinding light. Steve screams out in pain. It’s the worst thing he’s ever felt. It’s like a meat grinder and an electric stove had a baby and the baby was biting his arm.)


	19. Scene Fourteen

(There’s silence for a few moments.)

(Then, out of the settling dust steps Crack Bucky.)

Crack Bucky: ...Did you miss me?

(Crack Steve tackles Bucky in a hug.)

Crack Bucky: OW- I JUST FELL ON MY KEYS!

Crack Steve: Ouch. Sorry. 

Crack Peter: What? Where am I? Where are the socks? I miss the socks. 

Crack Stephen: Thank god I could travel between these dimensions, because if I couldn’t, I think I would have gone insane with Peter, here. 

Crack Tony: Welcome back, guys!

Crack Stephen: Don’t get too comfortable, guys. If we’re back, that means…

(There is the sound of an Android phone starting up.)

All, turning warily to face the noise: They’re back, too…

(Another figure steps out of the dust. A larger figure. One with a nutsack chin. Beside it stood a shorter female figure, holding a phone.)

Crack Thanos: That’s right! I’m BACK, baby! And I’m here for your gravel, with my girlfriend, Hillary Clinton! 

Hillary Clinton: What he said! EMAILS. 

(Bucky begins to say “lol gay”, but Thanos snatches up Crack Steve, distracting him.)

Crack Thanos: I wouldn’t do that, if I were you. We know your true power, boy. 

Hillary Clinton: That’s right! We’ve come here to take it! EMAILS! 

Crack Bucky: What? You can’t do that! 

Crack Thanos: We know. That’s why we’re going to ask for it, first. 

Crack Bucky, scoffing: And why would I give it to you?

Crack Thanos, tightening his grip around Steve’s throat: Because if you don’t… We’ll kill Steve. 

(Crack Bucky goes pale. He had a decision to make. His best friend throughout the years or his power.)

Crack Steve, choking: DOn’t listen to them, Bucky! I’ll be fine! Don’t give up your power!

Crack Bucky: ...Fine. 

(the Crack Avengers gasp.)

Crack Thanos: I knew you’d come around, boy. 

(He holds his hand out to shake.)

Crack Bucky: Drop Steve, first. 

Crack Thanos: As you wish. 

(He drops Steve at Bucky’s feet. Bucky simply steps over him and grabs Thanos’s hand.)

Crack Thanos: Good night.

Crack Bucky: Huh-

(He’s cut off by the worst feeling he’s ever experienced. It was like every ounce of his life force had been sucked out of his body. He screams and drops to the ground. He looks a lot paler than before. Steve rushes to his side.)

Crack Thanos: Now that I have the power of the ‘lol gay’, I can transfer it to my loving girlfriend who will put it into an email and then rid the world of it. FOREVER! But first, we need it.

Hillary Clinton: That’s right! EMAILS! 

Crack Thanos: You. Give me the gauntlet. 

Crack Steve: What? Oh, yeah- Sure- 

(he hands the gauntlet to him, despite the others protesting.)

Crack Steve: WHAT, he was gonna blow me up!

Crack Thanos: Good… Good. I have some remodeling to do. 

(Thanos and Hillary walk out. Seconds later, there is screaming and the sound of explosions.)


	20. Scene Fifteen

Crack Steve: Ugh.. What do we do?! Bucky, wake up!

Crack Bucky, groaning: ...Sodie Pop… 

Crack Steve: What? 

Crack Bucky: Steve…. I need Sodie Pop. It’s the only way.

Crack Steve: Go get him a Sodie Pop out of the fridge!

(Crack Tony runs off to get the Sodie Pop.)

Crack Steve: It’s okay, Bucky, we’re going to get it. 

Crack Bucky: Steve… Listen to me… To save the world… we are going to have to end it. 

Crack Steve: What?

Crack Bucky: See, long ago, my family descended from a mountain called Mount Laughious Gaylious. We were monks. We lived on the mountain for 18 years until, one day, on my 18th birthday, my father revealed all the ancient ways to me. He said “son, when you grow up would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned?” and he revealed to me… The ancient chant of the ‘lol gay’. If spoken by a true Laughious Gayleon, it can be used to blow up anyone… However. There’s an ancient power even more powerful than ‘lol gay’. And that is… ‘laugh out loud homosexual’. If spoken on its own without any other words in the sentence, it holds enough power to destroy the world… The only way to charge it… is Sodie Pop. If I can get that gauntlet, there will be enough time after I say ‘laugh out loud homosexual’ to snap and bring everything back except for Hillary and Thanos. 

Crack Steve, looking up from his phone: What? I wasn't listening.

Crack Bucky, sighing: Nevermind.

Crack Steve: Do whatever, I guess. 

Crack Tony: Here’s your Sodie Pop, Bucky. 

(Crack Bucky sips the carbonated beverage. His eyes begin to glow and he shoots to his feet like a rocket.)

Crack Bucky: thank you, Crack Tony! The Sodie Pop has fully charged my powers! Let’s go! 

(they run outside, where Crack Thanos is shooting lasers made out of kittens from his fists. The kittens are giant and they’re flattening buildings by simply laying on them.)

Crack Thanos: Hahahaha! They’re so soft, yet so deadly! 

Crack Bucky: THANOS! I think it’s time you left!

Crack Thanos: What?! Crack Bucky! What are you going to do? I took your powers! 

Hillary Clinton: That’s right! And I harnessed them in the power of a deleted email!

Crack Thanos: When I say the word, it will EVAPORATE all your friends! And I, for one, would love to see you stay for the show. 

Crack Bucky: NO! You can’t!

Crack Thanos: Oh, but I can! 

(Suddenly, Crack Tony, who has turned into Pickle Tony, is being launched at full force at Thanos’s head.)

Crack Thanos: Huh?

(He is struck down by Pickle Tony.)

Pickle Tony: Hehe. I’m Pickle Tony. 

Hillary Clinton: NOOOOO! MY BOYFRIEND! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!

Crack Thor: Because that’s what heroes do. 

(Everyone cheers. That’s what they’ve all been waiting for.)

Crack Steve: Your days of wreckage are over, Hillary! 

(The Crack Avengers start fighting Hillary in what I assure you is a very cool battle and the author is DEFINITELY not too lazy to write. It is very gorey and bloody and cool. I promise. Too bad you can’t see it because the camera is panning over to Bucky, who is pulling off Thanos’s gauntlet.) 

Crack Bucky: Now is the time. 

(His eyes glow white for a moment and he is lifted off the ground. The rocks around him begin to float.)

Crack Bucky, loudly, echoing: LAUGH.. OUT LOUD… HOOOMOOOOSEXUALLLLLL! 

(There is a pause and then the Earth explodes. It takes 90 seconds to die of asphyxiation when you are floating in space. Bucky only needs 10 to snap his fingers, reverse time, bring everyone and everything back, and make sure Thanos and Hillary were never born.)


	21. Scene Sixteen

Crack Steve: SO, I played golf today


	22. Bring It All In, Guys Part Two: Electric Boogaloo

Thank you so much for reading the Crack Avengers! If you enjoyed please feel free to follow and comment!   
Special thanks to Keegan, who is currently trying to make his account but they won't let him in! I will be crediting him as a co-creator as soon as it gets through!   
Special thanks to Emma, who sat in front of me while I was writing this atrocity and had to listen to Keegan and I discuss ideas!  
and finally,   
Special thanks to you, reader! We love you!!

-Signed, The Buckster, America's Cheeks, and the Sexier Spider


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